Positioning myself

So I haven’t been out much since my incident with my eye.. been in hospitals and far too depressed to leave home. So today was my first time.. I went to sign up for gym(did I mention I have my dad paying me R2000 monthly damage fee for raping me) so he paid.. atleast it’s something! I did not blackmail him jbtw simply asked him to help me out while I study. So the home situation’s are wierd what can I say for being family of freemasons.. atleast they got money!

So back to dealing with the new venture.

Its exciting and obviously really scary.. i still haven’t seen any one I know beside family. Its like I’m living a double life ..

I don’t take any photos of myself but I had to for the sign up ID card. I had my glasses on the rest of the time but obviously I won’t be able to do that while I’m gyming.. so it was fake confidence..

I am looking forward to gyming for my first time however. Its going to take alot on the Holy Spirits side to get me through this and I’m fully involved in the process.

Had to blog this hopefully this is a start to a new year new me kind of thing..

So I’ve positioned myself for this intense process

And that’s the first step to my recovery..

I cannot keep hiding in the shadows.

Its time!

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Living In denial

So lately I’ve been telling myself I’m happy,not so much as consciously telling myself but ignorantly posing the image. So today that was made known to me. I’m not happy! What I am I don’t know I would say angry after what happened,which I’ll get to in a moment.

Do you ever feel like your running away from God?

I do, right now infact…

I’m trying to forgive people like my mom ,my sister,my aunt in law ,my dad because it is a continuous process ๐Ÿ™„ and it turns out I actually haven’t got it down to a perfection(part of the denial I’ve been living in).

I need to express this else I’m going to blow up again!!!

How is it that one can harbour such intense emotions and there’s no red flag about the chaos inside?? I had no red flags signalling me about what was going on in my thoughts and emotions ๐Ÿ˜”. How can my own body betray me or is the blow up the actual sign? Then dear God I have some hellish emotions that are tearing me apart!

How do I get rid of them safely?

I think the answer is expression! In any form.

I personally want to draw. And my drawings get gruesome, it’s really impressive! But even if you draw crap it works too!!

So back to the topic.. I’m obviously hurting and I’ve been living in denial (actually most my life) but im just going to take small steps here . My life has not been even moderately easy. So there’s no doubt I have issues, I’m atleast usually quite aware of. Lately not so though.. or actually haha maybe I’m not aware most the time.. I forget I have psychosis. I actually haven’t done much research about it to be honest, I suppose because I haven’t actually accepted it. Yet another denial… Im the kind of person that always believed in having a strong mind ,over matter. I suppose I need a reality check because I just fist faught my own mother over her asking me who am I speaking to!๐Ÿ˜ญ

I don’t have the answers anymore!

I realise after the fight that there are deadly emotions playing around inside of me. I’m apologetic for sure but where is this leading me!

Btw if anyone has advice I am willing to hear at this point!?

So even in this moment God comes near me to help me.. and I’m feeling lighter than I was before when I was trying to leave home because now I couldn’t live with my mom if I’ve just punched her a few times while she was driving.

My life is still a wreck yet I can keep going because I got a word out of God. Peace is coming.

So living in denial .. its a process I’m learning to come out of but I couldn’t do it without help and support and that’s just what I’ve been given from God him having lead me to my psychologist who’s literally around the corner from me and the anti psychotics I’m on that really help regulate my emotions. Before they were practically non existent from all the drug use and trauma from being raped(really make you numb) and living in a household where we all have been and no one talks about it.. I am blessed to be the one in the family who could face the trauma. That God has given me courage to deal with it in therapy sessions.im blessed that God helps me in those sessions. I’m blessed to have a psychologist and meds and medical aid with my mom who is paying for me to get better (so sad that it is her ex husband who effed up all 4 of her children’s lives and she has no clue) . But I’m blessed is how this turns out for me! I have a God who is the true God he is living and breathing and fighting for me! There’s no place I would rather be. And being in denial half the time well I trust God to bring me out of it every time!

This is my story

So it’s about time I share some of my testimony since it’s the whole reason for my blog! It begins with me being born into a family of freemasonry.. I think my mom is still abit ignorant of the fact .. but I’m really uncertain about how much she knows. Just a forewarning this gets horrific. I am the youngest of four siblings, and well to skip to the basics it wasn’t until I was four years old that things took a turn for the worst… My siblings and I were the sacrifices of a one husband and father of the Davis family. As I’ve come to know the levels of freemasonry require either to kill or to rape your own children.. I’m not into all the details so I may get some wrong.. but either way I know what happened to me. And that was rape. So proceeding on… This happened at least 9 times that I know of , where my dad would host a party for his friends including a few of his brothers(out of 5) I think 2 of them attended, and we children would be the topic of the event. Where these gentlemen would sexually abuse us one after the other without much break in between. Yes I was raped alongside my two brothers and one sister by multiple men over one evening on multiple occasions. The trauma of these events was so terrifying that it shook my foundation to the core and left me with horrific anxiety disorders and psychosis and multiple personality disorders.. it also caused me to block out my entire childhood (up until 1year ago) and also caused most of my drug abusive years.. so when I was 9 I started using mind altering substances such as petrol and benzine(paint thinners). This also was cause for the dissociative disorders. Life changed for the better when I was 6 my mom and dad got divorced and we moved to the city . This also aided in blocking out the former 2years of events. So now as an pubescent years I began to be seriously dissociated, isolated, anxious, fearful and socially awkward.. you can imagine all the emotions of sexual abuse are lingering yet now I don’t understand where the emotions are coming from because I’m in a numb state I’ve blocked it all out and not to mention I’m hiding a 4litre jug of paint thinners in my cupboard which I’m huffing everyday after school because it alleviates all my stresses.. so I became a drop out kid in primary school.. and barely made it to highschool which I dropped out in the beginning of grade 9 about a month in. Or a week, now my behaviour was a regular misfits behaviour. I was rebellious, very afflicted hateful and angry teenager. So angry I was planning murder and would regularly fight with my family at home… And being naturally well toned and tall for my age I would win the fights easily and gruesomely! So a painful beginning at life I began drinking and other drugs at the age of 13 and 16 started dating a bad boy who dealt weed and was always with abused and rebellious kids..just like me. Not being at school well “homeschooling” as if.. i had all the time imaginable to do drugs and just get up to crap.. barely doing anything constructive or useful brooding all types of perplexing behaviours.. to put it short I became the most socially awkward and confused child in the whole scene of awkward confused nonconformist deviants.. everything that makes one strange I was that. A total reject .. being really pretty was all I had going for me and even that wasnt enough to keep the only guy I’ve ever loved so deeply to even like me though we were dating… He started going for my sister .. so now I’ve got how many broken relationships and a completely broken character all about me. I was in no condition to work … Although this was about the time I had to work to live at mom’s house any longer.. so I tried and failed badly. No comment about how this went .. any socially awkward person will get me but remember I have already developed atleast 10 kinds of dissociative disorders plus usual non conforming attitudes and habits that I can’t talk about to anyone. Ok so now picture it if you can,it was bad. I’m going to move along to where it gets better. So now being in the darkest places with no way out I was crying out to someone..little did I know or even dared to believe I would be heard. So finally I just got fired from the 6th job in 2 years I’m finally broken up with the ex of 6years the only one(since sex was scary for me clung to one heartbreaking relationship)not saying he was the only guy but the only one I dated. Not that that’s anyones business but I’m being very open and honest in this bio.. so it was down to nothing I went on a binge weekend with some random and freaky guy (nothing happened with him jsyk) and came home got riled up with my mom and her bf and they decided it finally enough was enough.. they got me to go to rehab.. a Christian one.๐Ÿ˜‚ Now that was a joke right!

No

.. it turned out that me being in such a dark place was a benefit .. now who could say that unless you know Christ!

Well to put it plainly I got to a point I realised I’m broken absolutely broken. I called out to God to show himself.. and true as He is He was there at my weakest ..my darkest as the scripture says (Romans 5:8)

So Chelsea got saved shortly after that baptized and all.. it was glorious and celebrated by the Angels in heaven and Christ Himself!! I know God stood off his throne and danced the day away when his baby girl Chelsea Anne Davis first believed!!

So thats how it happened. That’s how my life turned around. A 440 degree turn(that’s 360+180) because I was spinning!

Thank you ..thank you. I know by now your celebrating with me๐Ÿ˜‰ the story gets good.

And that’s right it does get good.. but shortly after a few crap notes.

So what happend after I spent 6 months in the rehab I got out found a job ..live was better than ever .. but I had a psychotic episode (which I only know it as one now) went back to the rehab for 3 months and was boarding and lodging because I didn’t relapse.. and then came out just before December 2017 … was November 16 somewhere around then

What happened next was the beginning of a beautiful journey ..it just doesn’t sound so great at first.

I remembered the horrific past I had.

I was lying on my bed listening to new Christian music that I found and couldn’t get enough of it was amazing music ..it was actually reminding me of how depressed I was on drugs and reminding me of how lonely I’d felt for so long and how I was so fearful. See id been on a spiritual high for almost a year now since Christ and id forgotten the bad days because I felt like I was the real me now. Jesus does that… This is a hectic night.. I go to bed and can’t sleep,still listening to the music something happens… Im overwhelmed with dread and fear.. my dad and two of his friends walk in the door I’m trying to pretend I’m asleep..I’m under the blanket shaken with fear trying to hide my face.

I can’t do it.. I can’t remember alone.. I need help so I pray God if this is real I need help I can’t do this alone..

I feel in my spirit that if I don’t take my brother’s (who just landed with his gf from London about five hours ago) child away from him I won’t remember again and I’ll block out everything and I will continue to be numb for the rest of my life.

So I went to his room and took my niece who was 5months old at the time.

Good news I got caught and God bidded got sent back to the rehab.

(I’m going to cut the story short now)

So inbetween the next 8 months I spent there, on a 2 year sentence, I did alot of healing and forgiving from the trauma of my past with a psychologist and people that believed me and most of all Jesus help, I would say I was 99 percent compared to how bad i was when I first came to the rehab and considering the trauma only just came out now because I was a year sober!

So I really was well off also considering I kidnapped my niece and should be in jail.. but I was let out for a weekend by God’s grace and another and allowed to study at the centre.. I was given alot of leeway and I started to skip going to counselling. Mind you my original counselor stopped coming, That’s I think why I had such little coping skills.never the less I was allowed another weekend and then things took a spiral out of control.. I had a psychotic episode again and i ended up taking my own eye out. It was due to the trauma of my past and drug use and very little coping skills that this happened. And i am now blind in my left eye with my eye ball having shrunk I am now disfigured and facing one of my largest fears because of majorly low self esteem I had a fear of being ugly.. this fear controlled all my actions throughout my drug use years… I would obsess over makeup and the mirror when I was using it was debilitating.

Anyhow now i am the happiest I’ve ever been.. getting a new eye.. a scleral shell – which is a fake eye that will go over my own eye but will look normal. And I will continue to let you know how I’m doing in the future days to come … Thank you for your taking your time to read my blog scripture I have cherished today is John 7;37-38

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, โ€œLet anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-26366B" data-link="(B)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top;”>38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.โ€<sup class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-26367a" data-link="[a]” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top;”>[<sup class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-26367a" data-link="[a]” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top;”>a<sup class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-26367a" data-link="[

First time blogger

Its funny the pressure I’ve put on myself about this blogging site. I want it to really live up to the name Christian Expression. So as I’m thinking what exactly am I going to post about I’m coming up with ideas rather than complaints.. because frankly my life as it is now (living for Christ & with Him) well it’s joyful. Every day is something new and if it’s hard I can pray about it which really works. I can say this because I do have it hard, every day, but it’s still joyous as I keep to my Bible and praying and complaining to God and then trust His undying love for me! And even that can be hard as it has been for a few weeks or months now, where opening my mouth has strangely been the last thing I want to do.. so I sigh and groan and just continue to watch sermons throughout the day, which has brought me to a very good place. Its motivated me to get up and even gym and study and just get on with life. Its been 5 months since I took my eye out and so far 3 off them I was heavily depressed and the last 2 I’ve actually been reading and this year which began with me being really scared, has actually turned out to be so amazing. I know it’s only the beginning actually that’s what’s the best part…it’s just this promising of God doing a New Thing (which came to me in my Spirit and was confirmed twice by sermons of 2019) has really got my intrigue with all my being and got me riled up with all my vigor๐Ÿ˜ and I’m already in love with 2019 as it is! So I’m taking the pressure off..I’m going to blog about my special days spending time healing with God at His closest to my side since the injuryโค thanks for joining! Verse of my day revelation 2:10 Be loyally faithful unto death (even if you must die for it), and I will give you the crown of life. Amplified

Simple lessons: my entertainment away from the Bible

So I learned by questioning and watching 2 elderly couples today at a visit to the liscencing department that 1st I believe elderly folk like alot of floral print is because flowers symbolise how fleeting life actually is
(1 Peter 1:24) and 2nd that the one couple with an 86 year old man had more youth than the other with an 80year old man because of the enactment of the wife in the relationship. The wife of the more youthful yet older gentleman was charismatic and naughty and the other coddled the husband! It was a dramatic difference in the gentleman’s appearances and posture and energy..
Another thing I’ve learned today is caring far too much about what people think causes you to lie and live in pretense and what sets you free is not lies but the truth(John 8:32). And I have a truth to speak and my voice matters as does everyones!!

This blog

This page is an opening for other girls , women and whoever feels they would like to share. We aren’t going anonymous anymore!
I want this page to be as real as real gets.
We’re(me and whoever else is brave)are going to discuss and face the ugly and horrible truths of life here… and introducing Jesus Christ into our experience and a public exposure of what we face everyday in real life. This page is for everyone. Whether you’re a victim of emotional abuse at home , syber bullying , a socially awkward adolescent , suffering depression or anxieties or any other psychological disorder, or a victim of physical or sexual abuse or just curious and opinionated on the topic. Please feel free to join. .

We’re going viral on how we have it rough in life! Because well we need to discuss this and reduce the number of suicide. Far too many people are hurting and have no outlet. I would know. And that is the reason I’ve decided it to make this page. So please feel free to share! I personally am Christian but this is not restricted to ‘only Christians’. I tell how Jesus has saved me from trauma and psychosis.. please follow me as I update you on my life following Jesus and being diagnosed with psychosis after I took my own eye out in a psychotic episode!